Tom Macaulay has heard from his old friend, Mrs Trellis.
I had a letter from an old friend of mine this week, Mrs. Trellis, from north Wales. In it she told be that her daughter, Rose, was thinking of venturing abroad this year and could I advise her on the best way to get to the Isle of Wight. "We thought that would be a good place to start,' she wrote, 'because it's already out to sea, isn't it, and the crossing must be shorter.'
Apparently Rose is quite concerned about driving in France in case she has to use a strange language to ask for directions. "It won't be like asking the way to LLangrybyffllwygrd," writes Ma Trellis. I suggested she went to Paris as a lot of signs point that way, but apparently it's too far. She wants to stay somewhere where she can still see the coastline of Wales, and someone at the hearing-aid centre had recommended the Breton Beacons.
Rose is also concerned about the speed limits. "All the signs are in millimetres," frets her mother. "At least in this country when you see a white circle with a black diagonal band you know that means 40 mph. Evans The Truck said that he was once told by Henri Le Camion how to convert the French numbers into English and he will explain it all to Rose if she goes round to his house one evening. It must be complicated as Evans said jokingly that it could take all night."
I suggested that Rose fly to France and hire a car when she gets there but Mrs Trellis claims that she is put off by the idea of having to learn the controls on a left-hand-drive car. "Rose has only just learnt to use the clutch properly," she writes "And I don't think she could cope with the pedals being the other way round." But what about driving on the 'wrong' side of the road, I asked? "Rose is not very good with her lefts and her rights, so it will be good practice for her. I told her look you both ways. And she's a good girl; she always brakes when she sees another car coming towards her, which is why the police asked her not to use the M4 any more."
It seems that Rose has been told to look out for a Total garage in France. "There's one on the main road," explains Mrs Trellis, "And they're such nice people, not like the English. There's even a sign over the shop that says 'Bonjour'. That's French for 'Have a safe journey.' I sent Rose down there to pick up some of the lingo and to see how many of those litres it takes to fill a tank. Dai The Pump in our village works in gallons and you obviously don't need so many of those so Rose is going to take plenty of money with her to pay for all that extra fuel."
Since I pointed out that the Isle of Wight is not just off the coast of France, a disappointed Rose has decided instead to use Eurotunnel, and if she asked politely did I think the guard would tell her when the train had got to France, as she's not very good on the Underground.
Finally. Mrs Trellis wants to know if Rose will have to start driving on the left as soon as she gets to France, or could she wait until she gets her bearings?
If you are planning to drive abroad yourself this year be on the lookout for a brown Metro with a sticker on the front: 'If you can read this you are dryffng too close'. Avoid it at all costs. And as they say in Total garages 'Bonjour'. |
